Sooo whānau, I have officially been back in the motherland for 1 whole year! But, for some reason, I don’t feel celebratory as such. This year has flown by in an instant compared to the lifetime a year on the road felt. Time is funny like that I guess. Anyway, I felt the need to open my diary tonight and as always the page that presented itself could not be more relevant right now so I thought I would share it.
Diary Entry – 22/08/2016
I am buzzing so much about being upgraded to business class with it’s never ending fancy features to focus on the fact that I’m returning home after over 2 years abroad! But now that we have officially left European soil it’s starting to sink in…
Just thinking about being home sends shivers down my spine! I’m scared, I’m excited but most of all I am unsure. Will it be the same? Probably. But I have changed so incredibly much that’s the difference. I never felt like I fit in before so how will I feel now? Now that I have had a chance to see who and what lies beyond the safe shores of Aotearoa.
Maybe I’ll have a newfound appreciation for home. I have missed it greatly. But maybe that initial excitement and comfort will wear off? For some reason, it feels right to go back and ground myself, to reconnect with family and friends. I can’t run anymore. From what I don’t know. Maybe from conforming, from being trapped in a societal structure of “living” (if you can call it that) which doesn’t suit me. Why should I live for the weekend, to then live for a holiday to go on living for retirement?
I feel in a way that’s exactly what we travellers are afraid of, conforming. We’d rather sit on a bus for 12 hours than work some 9-5 office job that drains the life out of you. But, maybe that is why we feel lost sometimes too…Because we are running from what we don’t want, but not quite knowing what we are running towards either…
It feels like I have been floating for a long while in the hopes that something will pull me in. When you’re working full-time there is a purpose, something to strive towards. A pay rise, promotion and a better-looking bank account for instance. There isn’t as much time to ponder life and your place in it. A luxury/curse us drifters are often faced with. So many questions with so little answers. Until I find those answers (which probz won’t happen) – I shall seek refuge in the fact that most other people don’t know what the fu*k they are up to either.